Words from the burbs

I finally have my undergrad degree. I am the bomb. I did get one B in "Russian Revolutions". But, I deserved it.

Zule and I went to see "History of the Devil" last night. www.historyofthedevil.com 

I liked it, but it was four hours long. I felt like I was in Wagner's Rings Cycle. Plus, there was no way to get up to go pee, and Zule and I kept coughing our heads off from the smoke. I felt strangely trapped by the end, and ran for open air. (Not based on the content or acting in the play, but because of the stage configuration.) Addie, you did well, girl.

The funniest part is when we were leaving the parking garage, zule and I realized we had zero cash, so we had to fill out some loser form designating that we had no money. The chick was pretty cool about it though, she said "just put your name down, and I'll put down a fake phone number."

My sister pointed out a friend of the family has been arrested. Ironically, her husband had given this chick leilani all of their tax information for leilani's mom to prepare. http://www.11alive.com/news/usnews_article.aspx?storyid=62216

My dad is coming to visit. Mind you, he just said "I'll be there Wednesday for a week." Luckily my sister is hosting. I got a phone call this morning from my dad and my 24 year old fillipina step-mom on the road, and here is the follow up results, from AIM.

Me: word. I have a weird request for you.
BAAL: ok
BAAL: I'll have a wierd response for you
Me: can you pick up my 24 year old stepmothers teeth bridge in marietta georgia? she left it at a hotel.
BAAL:  sure
BAAL: what hotel?
ME: Sleep Inn. Fowerferry place off of 1-75. 770-952-9005.
BAAL: Powerferry?
BAAL: I think that's right near my work
ME: right. she is filippina and i thought she said "fowerferry"
ME: i made her spell it, but I was still perplexed as shit.
ME: You are quality.
BAAL: I'm just trying to think of how I will explain my relationship to her
BAAL: "My daughter's step-grandmother"
ME: say you knew her in cebu.
ME: from the mail catalog
ME: cebu?
BAAL: what is her name?

ME: cebu phillipines
ME: *Edited*
BAAL: and I'm asking for her teeth?
ME: yes.
ME: this whole chat is cracking me up. and its serious.
BAAL: I'm laughing
BAAL: should I speak with anyone in particular?
ME: i have no fucking idea.
BAAL: I just talked to the dude
BAAL: and he was like "yes, excellent, the tooth is here"
BAAL: If I get shot, tell DBOT I love her

My weekend was very quiet until last night. I went to the Art Sanctuary Storytelling Showcase at Molly Malone's. One of the speakers was Cindy Lamb, my backup doula, which was cool. I miss my doula, Kim Avera. :( I shall have to call her. While I was there, the freaking bathroom door hit me in the head, and I have a big lump.

Then, I hijacked Brennan and Addie and we went to Petrus to see the 9Volt Revolt Band Battle. Needless to say, they won. I had so much freaking fun. I stalked Donald, who is a killer, I tell you. If you are in the Louisville Metro Area and need your ass tattooed go to www.asgardink.com and get Donald to do you up. Scott was looking fly, I tell you. He seemed to like the Jack the Pumpkin King I made him for good luck. I put it in a little converse all star box as a coffin. It had a little chin piercing just like he does.

Peace.

I got invited to go to a Star Wars convention! I would have totally gone, but for the most part, the weather is making me lazy. Anything is better than being in Louisville today. It is "Thunder Over Louisville," which IMHO is ghey.  

I am totally taking DBot to the midnight showing of Star Wars III when it opens. She is so into Star Wars, it is weird. Yesterday, the whole family went to circuit city, and Dbot spent the entire time previewing Knights of the Old Republic II on the XBox display. Some fourteen year old was stalking her through the store, like "A cute girl playing Xbox, my dreams have come true." If I get KOTOR II, I am going to get her Xbox live set up, so she can play with BAAL, her daddy.

I think I'm going to reread "The Man in the High Castle" today. I forgot that I had a copy of it. I got it in phoenix one time, when my car broke down in the middle of the desert. Our mechanic said he had been trained by space aliens.

Today was an awful day. I woke up, in good humor, but then realized I had a final today for which I was unprepared. I actually did better on that final exam than on the one for which I studied.

If this is not the world's most boring blog, then this is *edited*

I saw Flag Pants again this morning. Too weird. Aside from the weird pants, he also wears a flak jacket. He reminds me of Carl from AquaTeen Hungerforce.

I want to take a nap, but birds are living in my window sill. And they are loud. Last summer, a bird got stuck in our buck stove and we had to call the fire department to get it out. It would just sit in there and peck. Nevermore quoth the Raven.

For those of you in the Louisville Area, this Sunday at 10:30, 9VoltRevolt is playing at the Mountain Dew Band Battle at Petrus. I suggest your attendance.  I am excited for them. I hope to buy some of their logo panties. But I am definitely going home by midnight. Finals next week!

www.9vr.net   

 

There is this dude, that walks up and down my street, every day, at 3 pm, wearing American Flag pants. One leg has the red and white stripes, and the other leg is a blue field with the white stars. Very loose MC Hammer style. I don't know if he wears the same pants everyday or if he has multiple pairs, but it is funny as shit. So, I ran out to take a picture and fell down my stairs. Onto rocks. Once I download the picture though, I am posting it! A well earned snapshot.

I was supposed to go out tonite, but there has been some hostile shit going on. I guess everyone will have to party on in my absence.

I am not smarter than my eleven year old but I may have an edge over my toddler. But I have to resort to psychological warfare with both of them. Especially in Zule's absence. The baby will not drink milk. But then I thought, if I add food coloring and call it "blue drink" he will drink it! I was right. He is sucking it down and calling it "blue barney" for some reason. I think that is my new signature drink "The Blue Barney". Before this, my signature drink was "Hoosier Daddy", Big Red and Vodka. I never drank it, but it was fun to mess with bartenders by ordering it. Except at the Mag Bar. I never fuck with the bartenders there.

I just tivo'd Reefer Madness, and I noticed the next time I could record it on Showtime was on April 20th, or 4/20. http://www.reefermadness.org/

What exactly does 4:20 mean? I know that last week when I bought lunch, with tax my food was $4.20 and I said to the dude, "he he 4.20" and he laughed, as he drank a red bull. I know it means "pot" but what is the etymology here.

I think this is funny: http://www.taxmeat.com/index.html?c=953mf

All I have to say is, if cows weren't eaten, they would be endangered. What does PETA think, that one magical day, all the cows will roam free? I consider PETA a popular social institution for anti-government terrorism.

Yesterday was filled with strife. Early on, I went to take a bath, and left the kids together in the living room. Since  it is spring here in Kentucky, I decided to shave my "bikini line". While I was shaving, the kids came busting down the door, screamed and then left. I am sure that Dbot will need therapy, but she should learn to knock.

I had to watch FAT ALBERT!

I went to bed at 10:30.

I taught sunday school this morning. I am unitarian-universalist www.uua.org

People may think that my teaching sunday school is a non-sequitor, but actually, I am rather fond of church.

Right before I left this morning, two young Jehovah's Witnesses came to my door and gave me the most recent version of Awake and the Watchtower. Being me, I read them. It turns out Jehovah's Witnesses, like Unitarians, find no scriptural basis for the Trinity. I find this very interesting. It also may indicate the reason for which when I took the religion finder test at www.beliefnet.org, I came out 100% Unitarian Universalist, 99% Secular Humanist and 77% Jehovah's Witness. I had hoped I was Methodist or something else normal, but apparently not.

A week ago, at the Flealand, I had actually nabbed a an Awake magazine that the Witnesses put out in spanish. Apparently, "*upside down*! Despertad !" means "Awake". If I were a religion, I would totally go after the Mexicans. They are a devout people and prolific as hell.

 

I am thinking about auctioning off my thirtieth birthday spanking for charity. The way I look at it, I know at least one of my friends is going to spank me. I might as well do it for a good cause. 

Update at 10 p.m.: My street is incredibly quiet. All of the sudden, ten minutes ago it was as bright as a tanning bed! My neighbor, the methamphetime user that sleeps in the shed, is being arrested! (Again). The police have two cars here. That comprises half of the police force of my satellite city! Damn, that is better than reality t.v.

I hope I can sleep tonite. Last nite, I had another lucid dream. Zule can attest that I often have these weird dreams where I wake up screaming. I had one last nite. I ended up sleeping on the couch and not the tempurpedic. That is how frightened I was. BTW, the tempurpedic mattress is everything the t.v. advertisments claim, although I've never tried to throw an egg at it. My cat yes: an egg no.

I lead an incredibly stress-filled, yet boring life. Today, I woke up at six, took Zule to work, went to school all day, took Zule to the airport and took Dbot to Shogun's Hibachi Grill for some celebration.

http://www.louisvillehotbytes.com/shogun.shtml

 Needless to say there is no way I am taking Sweetone, my 2 year old near a hibachi grill. So I spent a lot of time feeding koi with him. Since I had a lot of time, I came up with a plan to open a redneck hibachi grill. I think that is a real niche that has not yet been addressed. The chef could split beer cans on the edge of his knife, slice and dice FMV hotdogs, etc. I know I'd attend. The kids are upstairs popping bubble-wrap. Whoever invented that is a fucking genius. It is basically air, but yet necessary to ship things.

I miss zule!

I really like the drive in. I am always trying to get my friends to go, but they are like, Nah, I'd rather go out, so I usually end up there with my kids.

I mentioned to Dbot that it was nearly "Drive In Weather". There are two drive in movie theaters near Louisville. My favorite is the Georgetown Drive In. http://www.georgetowndrivein.com/

Dbot reminded me that the last time we were there, to see The Village, we were attacked by skunks. We all ended up hiding in my car with the windows rolled up. The funniest part was that Dbot had bought a glow stick at the concession stand and had left it on the ground when we ran to the car. We watched in the darkness. The skunk must have eaten it. At first, we saw a bright glow, then, less of a glow and then, the glow stick disappeared. Apparently, they're tasty.

My friend Mark, from California, has completely fallen off the face of the planet. He visited Zule and I over New Years, and we had a great time. I took him to karaoke at dutch's tavern, where he ended up talking to everyone and being the general social butterfly he typically is. He set off fireworks with us. He got drunk with me. And now, no one has any clue where he might be. He left all of his shit in his apartment and just disappeared. I know it must be serious, because he left his digital camera behind. He takes it with him wherever he goes. I miss you Mark!

I had to drive down to 10SE to pick Dbot up. She spent the week with her dad, and then we met up at the halfway point in Murfreesborough, at the Cracker Barrell.

I picked up a Trucker free magazine. Apparently, Truckers like Karaoke and the internet a lot. Sounds like me. Maybe I am a trucker. http://www.thetrucker.com/

Since BAAL got held up in traffic, Zule and I got to go to the Flealand flea market, where I bought some panties. http://www.londonky.com/flealand/

it was a very deranged place. They even had fiber optic jesuses for sale. And expired food stuffs. And a lot of confederate stuff. And expired condoms. And panties. I wanted to get my palm read, but Zule said no.

Then, when we were at cracker barrell, BAAL busted the funny of the day, all these cracker barrell servers came out of the kitchen clapping and singing some odd happy birthday variant like robots, and BAAL says "yes, we know others who sang and marched like that.. .the Nazis".  He is too funny.

On the way back, zule and I only got into one skirmish, which is a new record for six hours in the car together.

BAAL had strep throat, and now Dbot has strep throat. Looks like my attendance at school tomorrow is iffy.

Peace and luv to all.      

I just found out my neighbors' son (who is 45) has been locked out of the house, and is sleeping in their tool shed. God knows where he is pissing. Combine this with their Madonna in a lit up niche, and I have very odd neighbors. This is the same neighbor who bought a pair of my sister's size eight women's jeans (in blinding Journey white, mind you) at a garage sale we had last year and tried them on right there at the garage sale and said "Fifty cents, I've got it." He bought them and wore them proudly all day. We randomly get calls for him, because our last name is the same as their last name, and people leave messages that say "Come haul our junk" and "We are the police, do you know how to get in touch with R____?" Good lord!

I went with my friend Matt K to the Long Beach Speedway Race a couple years back, with Zule. Since water bottles were 3 dollars, and huge Budweisers were 2 dollars, we all got remarkably drunk. Well, Zule, Matt and I see this incredible, fake-plastic tree hottie. Like gigantasaur boobies and great face. So, being drunk. .. we decide to take her picture. This loser keeps trying to mash in into the photo. It was Corey Feldman! Apparently he thought we were his fans, and we were trying to take his picture. Sad News, I used to crush on Corey Feldman way hard when I was eleven. God Damn, I miss California.

I had my first aim conversation with my daughter last night. She is such a funny girl. She is eleven, and totally internet hip. This scares mother!

So a few days ago I drove through a liquor store to get a bottle of wine in J'town. (I find the concept of a drive through liquor store amazing, since they did not have them in California). As I was checking out, the dude said "Ken I give yur kid a sucker?" I was like "WHAT?". Then I understood, he wanted to give my son a lollipop. (at first I was just puzzled, by both his words and accent). They give out lollipops like the liquor store is a bank or something. Apparently, quite a few parents use the drive through. Interesting.

I am very forgetful. So I write crap on my hand to remember stuff. Unfortunately, I was not thinking it through and wrote zoloft on my hand to remind myself to pick up my prescription with a sharpie. Now I am at school, and people are staring at my hand. I wonder if they think it is a tattoo?

Well, thank God its Karaoke night. First, I am eating dinner with my friend Amy, and then I am going to Karaoke. I am being good this week and domestic and stuff because I have major papers due. Three more weeks of undergrad. Yay! I sense a party coming on.

that is my new statement: LOL means Fuck You.

I ran into my sister's ex boyfriend, Jason Mitchell, at PicPac in Hikes point today. It took all of my will power not to say "Jason, give me a call sometime" and then give him my sister, Jacqi's phone number. I have a weird sense of humor and stuff.  Then Zule and I went to Kroger and shopped and MILF trolled. we hit pay dirt on the last aisle. I am like "Zule, go immediately to the next aisle. Look next to the cheese".

I have a strange fascination with Sabado Gigante, and watched it for an hour last nite to unwind. It is a truly great piece of univision programming. Aparently, Don Francisco was born Mario Kreutzberger. Who knew? I have a weird attraction to the Donster, kind of like my crush on Jesse from Orange County Choppers. http://www.univision.com/content/channel.jhtml?chid=6&schid=1619&secid=1667

Yesterday, we took Dbot to Baal for spring break, and met at our traditional half-way point in murfreesborough TN. The ride was uneventful, until we got Jack in the Box egg rolls. About ten minutes prior to meeting Baal and his gorgeous wife, Sweetone puked everywhere. All over his nitemare before christmas shirt, all over the car seat, all over his body. When we got to the cracker barrell where we were all supposed to meet up, I walk past Baal and his wife unit and say "don't even f*cking ask". Then I cleaned Sweetone up as best as I could, and got him a new shirt at Cracker Barrell. Poor little guy! But now I miss Dbot!

One of my friends was just elected mayor of a province

in the Ukraine.

and he's being threatened!

I wish him luck.

Here is the email I received:

"I just wanted to share the crazy news about what has
happened of late.  You may have heard about the govt
restructuring here in Ukraine, and how the people were fed
up with the old system.  Half in jest, I nominated myself
for candidacy as mayor for the local oblast (region),
utilizing a special ticket that a few Russian candidates
used to run on the Soviet ticket.  A small media frenzy
ensued on the local news and TV stations, and SURPRISINGLY
ENOUGH the people loved the idea of a long-haired American
as their mayor!!!  I got 62% of the vote and could hardly
speak at the press conference!!  (Not that my Ukrainian is
very good.  I had to use my pidgin-Russian, which brought a
lot of laughs.)  So as of April 24th I will be sworn in at
an Orthodox church in the countryside and will begin my
duties in earnest.  I hope to keep in touch with all of
you, but I hope that you will understand if my new
responsibilities make it difficult to write some times.
Please just email again if you don't hear from me.  This is
not because of the recent threats (probably just bluffing
from local shadow economy figures who I'm sure will warm up
to the idea eventually) but because I will be hard at work
doing everything I can to revise some of the clogged pipes
and get the local economy moving again.  I just had a
conference with my fellow incumbants this morning and you
can bet that the hryvnya will be rising dramatically
through the summer and beyond!  Keep your eye on it!"