Words from the burbs

So Zuul and I went to dinner. We went to Havana Rumba. One table over was a nervous couple on apparently their first or second date. So, Zuul and I were just being ourselves, which usually involves discussions of topics like

1) Thank God for strippers

2) Who got abducted from Hikes Point in 1987?

3) Yes, my parents left me in the car when they went on errands.

We both noticed, the couple was all up in our conversation, so we gave them the best performance EVER.

Zuul and I launched a fake argument about who was more popular in high school. And then, as if the blessings never ceased, my friend Brent called right then on the cell phone and allowed me to make the following statement:

"Okay, then Brent, I will talk to you soon. I'm on a date with Zuul, but were arguing right now b/c we want to decide who was more popular in high school."

The table next to us could not hold it in after this, they literally busted out laughing.

Zuul and I are in our thirties, our popularity in high school is not really at issue.

John Yarmuth is running against Anne Northup for the 3rd Congressional District here in Kentucky. www.yarmuthforcongress.com

I had a chance to meet him last night, and he's one smart dude. I was trying to think of anything probabitive to ask, but instead, I just said "Hey, I had one of your signs on my yard during the primary".  Its always a moot point, b/c Zuul and I are "yellow dog democrats" for the most part. Or, as I call it, "Against Anne Northup people." 

Anyhow, Zuul and I had fun going out last nite, after the party we went to, we went to Images Salon for their Art shindig. It was fun. We could only stay for scant minutes b/c of babysitting issues. The funniest thing that happened is my friend was talking to my sister, and he said something about how she and I are similarly crazy. Which did not phase me at all (b/c I'm rather insane in a harmless tourette's way), but apparently, my sister did not like the comment and she looked him in the eye and said "I TAKE MEDICATION TO BE NORMAL!"

I busted out laughing at that. I think it might have been a joke, but I'm fairly certain it was not.

So, my oldest child and I are in that time period whereby she believes I'm incredibly stupid. I've learned to accept this. In fact, she and I have much in common personalitywise. We're both kind of sarcastic, we both think Johnny Depp is hotter than Orlando Bloom, and we both like to shop. She is so cute. One day she'll just get it that your parents are people. Then, she will know for a fact I'm incredibly stupid. :)

 

 

So Zule was at target, early Tuesday. He saw people in redshirts grouped around a middle-management fellow, so he eavesdropped. Apparently, it went something like this during what was apparently a Target "staff meeting".

Manager *holding up  booklet*: Lets review what to do. Its says right here, in appendix C what to do in event of a bioterrorism attack within the store.

It was dead serious.

I cannot believe that. If there is a bioterrorism attack at Target, run the fuck away.

It was all Zule could do to not throw a white powdered substance on the ground.

I drive an SUV. Its fully a mom car. I have french fries in there that are petrified. As are the expressions of individuals who are not used to riding in it when they get inside.

Anyway, if I want my son to take a nap, I have to put him in his car seat and take him somewhere. Eventually, if it is near 2 p.m. he will do so. But, I have to make sure he's fully asleep before stopping the vehicle or he'll pop up like a meerkat. So, I usually circle my block a few times, burn up some gasoline and make sure there is no movement from the car seat. I happened to think though, that all my neighbors think I'm circling the neighborhood looking for things to steal. This is what my neighbors think about everyone. Any unidentified car that drives down my street immediately gets a good glance over from the mom's brigade.

Don't even get me started on the wild rumours that circulate about the ice cream men.

My friend John is doing something incredible. Check it out.

http://www.englicious.com/__bike/

Please consider donating.

 

Apparently this guy was poker buddies with my hubbie's business partner. Sad news. What a way to go. I hope he does not have kids or anything.

   http://www.courier-journal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060614/NEWS01/60614016&SearchID=73247669027881

I have this old globe sitting in my dining room. Its like from 1960. I like to look at the places that once were but no longer exist as countries. I think its really interesting. I wonder what our globe will look like in 50 years.

Probably no ice caps.

I've decided to list my top five pet peeves.

1) Emails that have the subject "Are you tired of pressing one for english? This is America, speak English!" First of all, they're written in english, so I don't think they're really reaching their intended audience. It would make more sense to say it in Spanish. D'oh. Secondly, I consider it ridiculous. I'm learning Spanish so that I can know what the hell is going on and communicate with people who may pay me money to sort out their legal issues.

2) Chicks that only hang out with less attractive chicks to make themselves appear hotter. This is retarded and men see your game. And trust me, if you are so stellar hot that having a collosal attitude is warranted, you would be in Los Angeles, not Kentucky. So, if you are in Kentucky, and you think you are really hot b/c myspace has given you an inflated sense of self worth, I suggest that you visit Pacific Beach in San Diego during the summer. You will note true extraordinary hotness.  

3) Parents who are douches at Little League games. Look to said parents, your kid is not that special. Yelling at him in front of his entire peer set is not going to solve the problem. Its demeaning and you suck. All the other parents think you are a douche and feel sorry for your kid. Even the fact that you buy the kid a lot of Christmas presents because you are middle class is not going to make up for the fact you are a douche. You will die alone in a nursing home.

4) My cat, and his litter pan.

5) People who add drinks to someone's tab and then play coy about it.  Zule had to face this phenom the last time he was in Vegas at the bar "Forty-Deuce". Luckily, Zule has no problem resolving issues.

To Evil Randar, a separate Catholic church picnic is hosted by each parish in Louisville. Louisville has an archdiocese, with a Cathedral at its center. Each part of the city is then divided into parishes. There is a lot of parish pride and competition, so even Zule and I, who would rather eat our young than attend Catholic church, go and support the parish we self-identify with. In our case, St.Pius X (On a side note, I was baptised Catholic, to make my Grandmother happy, and I apparently started screaming when the water and oil touched my head. IT BURNS.) Anyway,  Hikes POINT ST PIUS REPREZENT!! This is how they're set up. Each parish has a charitable gaming license. Yes, gambling. Each parish has a liqour license to sell beer. Yes, drinking. And I rather suspect illicit sex in the bushes amongst the Catholic teens.

Then, all the parishes support the blow out Catholic picnic of the year, The St. Joseph's Home's Orphans Picnic. There is no party in Louisville in August as fun as St. Joe's. People have St. Joe's parties, and then after going to the parties, they go to St. Joe's and gamble for the orphans. The gaming tables are made out of formica, and they lift and drop all the change from the losers into a bag, and every ten minutes, a person comes around and takes the money to the safe. I assure you, the Catholic church picnics make a lot of money for both the parishes and the orphans home.

http://www.sjkids.org

 

Last nite, parking was limited. Zule parked behind the church. My father-in-law parked behind the church. My brother-in-law parked behind the church. Well, my father-in-law was determined to "cut through the creek," as he had done as a child to sneak into St. Pius through the football field through a creek that runs adjacent to the church. I was like "No", seeing as it was stagnant water with steep banks and ominious trees. I was wearing new sandals, and there was no way I was dicking them up with mud.

Well anyway, apparently when he and my beloved mother-in-law were leaving, my father-in-law convinced my mother-in-law to go back to the car through the creek. They fell in the creek, got all muddy, and when they got to the end, fifteen feet from their car, there was a pad lock on the fence. All was not lost though, they crawled under the fence. The mental image of this is hysterical. It is a good example of a penny wise, pound foolish. I love them dearly.

I woke up, Zule made coffee. I'm terrible at making coffee. Kick around for a while. Then Zule, the baby and I went garage sailing. Very fun! No purchases. The best part of going to garage sales is that you can really tell what the family that is having them is like. What their interests are, what they find unimportant and ready for sale on the street.

Then, I went to the gym. I ran into a fellow law student. We discussed law school and the retardery of the law review for ten minutes. Then, I got a call telling me to come to the track from some friends.  I went to the track with the baby for a while, and he loved it! I did not gamble in front of him, as a side note. But he was being an absolute charmer. He fell asleep on the way home clutching a bag of popcorn. He is still asleep.

Got a call from a friend reporting her kid has been committed. Got a call from a neighbor needing to use our lawnmower. Got a stern lecture from husband about how putting 200 pounds of clumping cat litter in one garbage can is not acceptable.

Now we are going to a little league game, and if the heavens don't open, the the St. Pius Church picnic. B/c Catholic church picnics are fun!

Sometimes, I'm super happy to have days like today. This may sound lame, but my life is so busy, I love to have days where I do little else than really play, clean and go to Kroger. In the upcoming two months, I have a trip to Vegas to plan, a Disneyworld trip, camp involvement for kids, and  a play production, and I'm going to work part time for Zule. Today was super awesome day, b/c thanks to Kroger's double couponing, I got a roll of Viva paper towels for a dollar off. In odd news, I really like to use coupons, and will pitch a massive fit if they are not honored, but I will spend 200 dollars on a purse made in china. Go figure.

 

So its my sister's ten year reunion. Her husband and she are very vain.

Case in point:

1) They are getting glamour shots taken for the directory

2) My brother-in-law wants to get liposuction in his chin.

So, moms in the suburbs take our kids to the Oxmoor Center mall to let our kids play on an enormous boat next to Sears and take turns going to the Starbucks kiosk to get venti coffees. The funniest part was a friend of mine named Brian who is super punkie hip was walking right behind me, and I turned around and said "Hey Brian".

He looked at me for a full 5 seconds before he recognized me.  I look a lot different when I'm not in drag.

So my kid is getting braces put on. Its not like a one step process. It involves lots of trips. The whole thing is a strange glimpse into the middle class. First of all they gave my toddler balloons. And the magic happens in a big room with lots of chairs with no privacy, and the othrodontist just goes from station to station pulling out teeth and putting in spacers. Meanwhile, we pay 5000 dollars for it. Poor dbot.

Okay, so I took the kids to River Falls Mall in Clarksville Indiana, so that they could play minigolf, but apparently, its been replaced by a massive place about fishing. It was filled with taxidermy. My kids were stunned into silence by the stunning display of a side of America they did not know existed. The best part was the "home decor" section.

Dbot looked at the couches and said "I'm trying to think of one nice thing to say, here".

We could not.

Even ebay does not have any for sale. If you know of the Reagan Era Government Cheese, please alert me. I will pay you! I crave it. I must have some.

MMM, it was like velveeta but delicious. I hope its not like Ewok Adventure, and when I actually get some, I will be disappointed.