Words from the burbs

My mother in law bought a new scented candle that smelled like "campfire". She asked my son what it smelled like and he said "mommy's cookies". Awesome!

I'm ashamed and thrilled at the same time.

Full set is shorthand for "I would like to cover my unsightly natural nails with acrylic and plastic artiface".

Tonight, I got a full set and a pedicure at my nail place. I can't really type well, b/c I'm not used to having nails. I bite them. I'm a rather nervous person.

However, my friend L** was my nail tech tonight at the nail place. We were watching Survivor on the t.v. He is from Cambodia. He then shared with me that when he was twelve, the Khmer Rouge came to his house, and killed two of his brothers, and the rest of his family escaped into the jungle. From there, they learned to make fire, just like on Survivor, with dried strips of bamboo. Or  "with one piece of eye glasses and the sun".  

He was the same age as my tiny daughter.

He asked me if I'd ever seen the Killing Fields. I said "Yes" and he asked me did I believe it was true.

I told him "L**, I know that it is true, but I don't know what to say."

We both have three year old sons.

Another fact. The Cambodians view fireflies as kinds of spirits and don't catch them and put them in jars. They think that is strange.

 

Quite simply, I must be completely blind to reality.

First off, I hate WalMart. With a passion. Dbot and I call it the Walmart Effect. We can go in togethere as friends, and by the time I check out, I'm about ready to strangle both my kids.  I only go there on such occasions as today, when I needed dinner (a frozen pizza), safety goggles (don't ask) and various school supplies. Anyhow, we were checking out, and Sweaton, who is my tiny munchkin man, was climbing out of the cart. People need to realize one thing. PARENTS AT WALMART ARE OBLIVIOUS TO ALL EXCEPT THE ACTIONS OF THEIR KIDS. If we turn our focus away from the toddler and toward reality for one second, we are doomed to impulse purchases or destruction of merchandise from pleading children. I wish though, I paid more attention to surrounding reality in this instance.

As Sweatone was climbing around, I was like "He's my widdle munchkin man". And then I started singing the lollipop guild song. (I sing in public without provocation, b/c I'm quite possibly insane, but in a harmless manner). Unfortunately for me, my cashier, who to this point had gone unnoticed by me was a um... I don't know what the p.c term is? a "little person". She was quite offended. I feel like such a douche, I can never go back to walmart, except in disguise.

You may now laugh at me.

The first week at law school has been going okay, for the most part. However, I cannot get my reading done at home. Today for example, I keep trying to pick up my constitutional law book and get through the very boring text of Marbury V. Madison. This is the case where the United States Supreme Court decided it had the ability to settle matters affecting the United States Constitution, which is really not a law at all, but the actual authorizing document to create the United States. However, I found out my mom is in the hospital apparently with kidney stones so I'm rather distracted and worried. Meanwhile, my daughter is jet lagged, and my son hates anyone to do anything other than play with him. He got mad at me for reading and peed himself on purpose. Oy gevalt.

Is possibly the most boring thing I've ever encountered.

On a side note, my favorite professor is now the dean of student services. Which means, he controls our life, but I could not think of a better candidate.

Also, DBots recounting her encounter at Tokyo Disney  of riding on Country Bear Jamboree and Pirates of the Carribean ride and having the entire ride be in Japanese, but with the regular American ride is hysterical. I will kill BAAL for not videotaping the Pirates ride. Apparently, its like "yohoyoho Piratu life for me".. but with a Japanese accent. For some reason, that kills me. Like what would I really expect? I don't think I could get through Japan without giggling. All the time.

There is a dude that works at the Chevron next to my office. We call him "trash guy". We were first alerted to his presence by our landlord. She informed us that "sometimes that one dude takes some trash from the dumpsters". Nope its pathological. I shit you not. ALL OUR TRASH BELONG TO HIM. He takes it all. I know he's eyeing the inside of my car, b/c its filled with trash. B/c I'm kind of trashy.

And btw, City Slicker Magazine, FUCK YOU until further notice.

I also sleep face down. Like a corpse.

I've realized I sleep wierd. By this, I mean that I go to sleep usually around 11 p.m. I sleep for about three hours. Then I wake up and roam from room to room. I may end up three rooms distant in the morning than from the room I originally started out in.  I like to watch my kids sleep. They are very peaceful looking. I like to watch Zule sleep. He sleeps fewer hours but much more deeply than I do. He's fully asleep when he's sleeping. I feel like I'm never fully asleep. (Sometimes, I have terrible half awake hallucinations called lucid dreams that wake me up screaming).

Then, after roaming around, I'll go back to bed for a while, and then typically wake up at 4 a.m. and look at everyone again and then go smoke on the patio. I like it b/c its so quiet at 4 a.m. The cat will come sit with me, and we look at the spider together.
For the most part, its not as if I'm troubled, or waking up nervous or anything. Its more that I just have a hard time sleeping for 8 hours in a stretch. Actually, my most coherent times are at 4 a.m.  I sit on the patio and think for a while.  Or I stay in bed and think for a while.  I don't plan things, I don't go over personal regrets or goals I have, or wars, or anything. Mostly, I just sit there and  think about my family and what they've done that day.

Yesterday, I took Sweatone to a River Bats game. We had two hot dogs and played on the playground. Then, we went across the street to Waterfront Park. He played in the sand and was happy as a little clam. I ran into some friends who were jogging. Then, Sweatone and I went to the fountains and got all wet and then went home.

Okay, so the remodel is going to be costly and protracted, like orthodontics. I cried last nite for a few minutes thinking of the enormity of the situation. Then I remembered people are dying and shit, so I stopped feeling sorry for myself. After I went back to sleep, Sweatone had a huge nosebleed, and I dealt with the intial phase of the nose bleed and zule dealt with the rest of it.

On a side note, BAAL et al are rascals. Apparently, they were driving through the gay section of Atlanta and found a website with the perfect birthday gift for me. BAAL and Dbot kept AIMing me asking me "did I get my calendar yet?".  I figured it was a lawyer joke calendar or something. Well, yesterday it came. I opened the package and screamed. Zule was in the basement so he yelled "Are you hurt?"

It is from http://www.rundu.com/

It is filled with pictures of nearly nude men in sweaty poses, covering their penises with lace cloth and stuff. The last page of the calendar is the best. It lists other Rundu products and information. Including such things as:

Do you have WET DREAMS? Wetdreams, a beautiful hardcover coffee table book packed full of nude, yet tasteful images of black men photograped by Rundu is available at a bookstore near [supposed to say you] or on our website, www.rundu.com. Get yours today! Great gift idea!

Then at the bottom it says "This calendar is dedicated in memory to my Mother, Verdie Staggers."

Zule and I are organizing our house for a remodel. Its quite an insane project. We have one of my friends coming over to take a look at the contracting issues. I feel sorry for him. I wonder if I could hypnotize him somehow so after he leaves he could not speak of my house's disarray to others. That would be helpful. If anyone has any hypnosis techniques, feel free to let me know.

O yeah, another orb weaver spider has moved onto our deck. Since I may run into his web in the middle of the night (its blocking the steps), its getting moved. I plan on moving the dude right at 7:30 p.m. which seems to be when they start building their webs. I'd feel bad if he actually built the whole thing and then I knocked it down. As much as I love my spider Karl Rove, having another orb weaver inadvertantly be on my skin when I walk through its web is enough to give me a screaming fit. And in my neighborhood, if someone screams, the neighbors call the cops and then I have to deal with the St. Matthews police.
As nearly as I can determine, the police here:
1) cruise the neighborhood lying in wait for drunks driving from Dutch's tavern,
and;
2) chair parades.

So, a real life screaming woman in a yard might warrant a  police response mostly out of the police being bored.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2032119452439496665&q=prank

So Zule just gave me a mindless task in printing invoices, so I'm wasting valuable company time by blogging. First off, this is the voice mail message I just left for our vet.

"Hi, this is J****, I need to bring Mister Kitty in for a grooming and shave. Unfortunately, my three year old covered the poor little guy with vaseline and it won't come out with washing. Please call". I wonder if they'll call back.

The last time I took the cat in  to be groomed, he had to be sedated. He weighs 17 lbs. He's a large declawed eunuch of a cat. This is not going to be cheap.

I got the funniest birthday present from my 13 year old neighbor/babysitter. She got me an animatronic unicorn that sings "I believe in magic". My love of unicorns is well known and well mocked. One day, about six months ago, she, my daughter and I were discussing childhood dreams of adulthood. Dbot said "well, when I was in fourth grade I wanted to be a dentist". I said "I wanted to be a unicorn". Since then, both she and my neighbor have mocked me, with just cause. Still, I have to admit being a unicorn is more appealing than being a lawyer.

The spider, who I call "Karl Rove" (I figure the little dude is not offended), caught a huge ass moth last nite and ate it in an awesome display of spider prowess. The moth was  as big as the spider and within seconds, the spider caught it, pinned it and wrapped that up like a burrito. Sweatone and I spent about thirty minutes watching the spider suck the fluids from the moth.

Its my birthday today! Yay! I'm not dead!

I plan on working out, getting a manicure and pedicure, going to eat lunch with my mom, and then later, Zule and I are going out to dinner. He has not gotten me a physical present. LET THIS BE A HINT ZULE: When I say "I don't really want anything", that means I want a small, hand selected item that has sentimental value based on our relationship of 12 years. :) I'm getting old, honey, you have to prop  up my horrific self esteem with costly gifts. Maybe new boobs, sweetie. Maybe new boobs.