Words from the burbs

We decided to go as a family to Red Lobster for dinner, and it was out of control.  First of all, it took a while to get a table. Then, it took eighty two years to get our Cheddar Bay biscuits.  Cheddar Bay biscuits are the only reason we even eat there.  Finally, our salad courses come. Zule's is missing. Well, actually, it was brought out but for some reason the server returned it to the kitchen and when it came back, it had ranch dressing and not his french dressing. Another hour later, our meals come out.  My broccoli was so cold that I could have used it as an ice cube in my drink.  Dbot's food was completely missing, and Zule's and the baby's were okay.  Finally, they bring Dbot "her order", which was the popcorn shrimp.  Zule had the same thing and he had twice as much shrimp.  Dbot's shrimp were dumped over her fries, apparently to make the pile look more substantial.  I told her "See those shrimp, those are from other people's plates".  We got done eating and as we were leaving we saw the tallest drag queen I've ever seen. As we get out the door, Dbot just busts singing "Put on some makeup... turn on the eight track, take the wig down off the shelf..."

Perfect.

So I bought new dishes yesterday with Dbot. Our old ones were cracked in places and chipped.  I also bought 18 new glasses, b/c the number one complaint from guests in our home (besides about our cat*) is that we have no glasses, unless you count recycled plastic cups from what the hell ever kids meal of the past or empty cottage cheese containers. So I put Dbot in charge of washing the new dishes and putting them away. She did admirably well.  Later, I was sitting in the dining room using the internet, and I hear Dbot lose her temper on Zule in the adjacent kitchen. It went something like this:

 

Microwave ding. Door to microwave opening sound.

Dbot: No you didn’t! NO YOU DIDN’T!

Zule: Its just a bug.

Dbot: Those are our new glasses. I can’t believe you stuck a glass with a bug in it in the microwave to kill the bug.

Zule: What else was I to do? I pulled a glass down and there was a bug inside, and I’m next to the microwave, makes perfect sense.

Dbot: I washed those glasses! Might as well pick up a plate and throw it at a house fly next time!

 

By this time, I’m laughing so hard  I had to go see what was going on. Surely, Zule had microwaved a bug in a glass. He looked at Dbot and held up the glass and said “Might want to wash this one again.”

 

*Our cat is markedly (pun intended) on his worst behaviour around guests. He will pee on the air mattress, pee on open suit cases, and once peed on Zule’s friend’s suede jacket. He jumps on guests in the middle of the night to wake them up b/c he considers them suspect.

 

Yesterday, Dbot launched a scornful diatribe against her least favorite people, her orthodontist Haskell and his spaced out staff.  Dbot has considered the man suspect since we first started taking her, two years ago, b/c the brochures have this attractive looking man in a white coat on the cover, and Haskell is not that.  Dbot called the flyer orthodontist “gay for pay” at the time, which caused Zule and I to fall off our chairs.  Yesterday, apparently (I cannot see anything wrong), one side of Dbot’s wiring in her mouth is loose and she was sounding off on what she thought about it.  The speech involved the phrase “the Haskell ‘tards” no less than three times.  It also involved references to the fact that they give out “coins” that a child can save up from each visit and get dvd players and stuff and exactly what Dbot thinks they should do with those coins.  She’s also mad that they constantly give misleading information about what appliances and braces are requisite.  I have a feeling she’s going to snap on her next visit on June 7^th.  These are the same asshats that tried to charge Zule and me 20 bucks b/c we missed an appointment, which we’d tried to cancel, but they weren’t open until the moment of the appointment and they don’t have an answering machine. 

 

 

This morning, I was getting ready for work, and Zule told Sweatone he had to do something or not to do something (I can’t remember) and Sweatone just straight out said: “Day-umn!” I can’t blame that language on anyone but myself. 

 

Oh the goat saga continues.  My mom’s largest nanny goat took one look at the enclosure they made for her and basically climbed over it. Apparently goats are adept climbers.  They stopped screaming their heads off though, so that’s good.  Ha ha, my mom has to milk a goat everyday. 

so my mom got four goats.  They are really cute, especially the two baby goats.  My mom does not do things in half measures, as in, lets buy one goat, see how it flies and get more. Nope she bought four of them.  I know this because I took my kids out to my pappaw's farm for the day, and my mom lives adjacent to my pappaw, so it was really luck that she bought the goats today and the kids got to see them.  Any how, at one point during the day my kids, who are just as not outdoorsy as I am, wanted to go on a hike down the drainage ditch. We had hiked all the way to where there was an electric fence, and I hear the most godawful man screaming as if he is being murdered. I then steer the kids back to the house, trying to get them to pick up the pace, b/c there are apparently murders in the neighborhood, but their like "ooooo rocks. . .  oooo trees".  I get them back to the house, and kind of forgot about the screaming. Until I got to my mom's house.  She lives in a renovated barn, on twenty acres.  We pull up, and there was that awful screaming again. It was the goats! They sound like a human getting their entrails pulled out.  My mom's goats cry if they cannot see a human.  As soon as all humans are out of eye shot, they scream bloody murder. I told her to make a scarecrow, to trick them into thinking there is a person there.  The kids had fun rolling around in the hay with the goats. I am betting within a month, my mom will be complaining about the goats.  :) We shall see.

Today, my neighbors' cat was lost. Since Saturday, actually. At one point, I came home and found Dbot and her best friend drawing careful pictures of the missing cat on flyers.  The flyers were so perfect, it broke my heart, b/c I knew that the cat had met an untimely end in traffic.  (ok, so I'm no ray of sunshine). Anyway, hours later, after I'd battled the lawn for the day with weed whacking and watched my son and his best friend play with worms for two hours (including an elaborate game they had planned [but I put a stop to] whereby they put the worms in the turned off garden hose and then turned the hose on to blast the worms across the yard), I was out on my street at dusk. One of the flyers Dbot and her best friend had prepared had fallen forward off a pole near my house. I sadly straightened it and re taped it to the pole. A car drove up. A nice woman asked if it was my cat on the flyer. I admitted it was not, but that I was sad for the little girl who lost the kitty. It turns out she had the cat. It turns out that on Saturday this cat had sauntered up to her house and gotten free bed and board for three days acting all pitiful and abandoned.   In addition, two days ago she had asked the cat's owner (a little boy)'s best friend if the cat was the cat in question but he indicated that the cat was the wrong color.  As of tonight, the cat is home where he belongs. I love happy endings.

The fireflies are out.  Sweatone and I chased them. He caught one, but he had forgotten in the intervening winter to be gentle, and accidentally killed the little guy.  He was sad over it and I had to show him using his finger as a pretend fire fly (to show the right amount of pressure) how to catch them.  Often I am struck by how innately violent we are.  Children have to be taught how to be gentle.  It is not intrinsic.

My house looks like an abattoir. I had a birthday party for my son on Saturday, which started at one and did not end till 10 pm.  Needless to say, I was exhausted, did not go to a party I'd planned on, and fell asleep for 12 hours.  Now typically, I'd have cleaned up my house yesterday, but we went to Spamalot, which was well worth the money. Its probably one of the funniest productions I've ever seen.  Louisville makes me happy, b/c some people, well they like bands. I like musicals and plays.  Next season here in Louisville there's about five plays I want to see. Last night, Zule was supposed to go see his friend of a friend's band at headliners, but their tour bus broke down so he and I hung out instead and worked on the yard.  Well, off to work.

So one of the cool things I get to do in my new job that I was not allowed to do before is go to court.  I don't get to say anything, but its still really fun. On tuesday, I was walking down the hallway at my office and my boss was like "wanna go to court and watch a divorce proof?"  We, attorney, me and client, and client's friend, went down to the family division together. The waiting room was indeed a springer show. Bad tattoos, hair and hygeine were predominant. Some lady was yelling at a man I presume was either her soon to be ex or her attorney.  The judge was really late, so we all just sat there and I kept the clients entertained dogging on starbucks. 

Yesterday was dbot's award ceremony for being a brainiac. My mom went, my sister went, zule went and all our children. Out of no where, I see the professor/attorney that lost my exam.  Apparently his kid goes to school with mine.  I really dislike seeing people out of context like that b/c it reminds me of law school. Everyone should stay in their box.

I got the job. I'm very happy. Its a position working with subrogation issues. I just want to do a good job. I bought three new outfits for less than a hundred bucks at J.C. Penney, b/c all my old suits are too small or were "business casual".  Believe me I'm happiest in a pair of cut offs with a wife beater and a pair of flip flops, so this encasing oneself in pantyhose and eightyfive layers of fuss is going to be difficult. I think I'd rather wear a chain mail thong than pantyhose. They are just awful.  And, stockings you say? well absent a garter belt which is just way to slutty for the office, the elastic top stockings basically make me look like the stay puft marshmallow man with two rubber bands around each thigh. 

The weekend was low key. Friday I worked in the yard. Saturday I worked in the yard. Sunday Zule made my mom and me breakfast for mothers day and he got each of us beautiful bouquets.  We then had relatives over for a bar be que.  There was a fierce game of croquet or two that I avoided by doing the dishes and re-mopping the floor.  My daughter gave me a pretty card. 

The exam turned up. I got an A-. 

I went on a job interview today for a clerkship and did not get the job. I'm totally bummed. I feel so rejected. It was actually for less pay than I made as a paralegal. I must really suck as a person or something. To get rid of my angst I'm working in my garden and eating shitloads of ice cream. I'll be fat but I'll feel better.

My criminal procedure I exam is lost.  I am in grade limbo until god willing it turns up.  Here is what happened.
My first mistake is that I am a dumbass. We all have pin numbers to take exams, and I forgot to take mine to the test. Now, this is pretty much a stupid thing to do, like showing up without a lap top or something. However, I improvised. I could not write down my name, b/c that would destroy the anonymity, so I made up a number "XXX333" which I figured would be wierd enough to remember afterwards. Then afterwards, I notified the administration what had happened. Not to worry I was told.  Any hoo, two weeks later and I'm getting calls asking did I take the exam. I hope it turns up, some of my finest work was on that exam. 

This just goes to show that someone can be simultaneously really smart and really stupid.

    Of course every day I don't have to go to school rocks. I spent the day at the mall with two teenagers, which kind of sucked. I had to go into the Hollister store. Very hip.  Like abercrombie. I bought Dbot a 20 dollar tank top to get out of there. I hope the tank top is not slutty, the store was really dimly lit for some reason.